Brooding 5

Clint had repeatedly gone over his activities of the days he was under Loki’s control, sorting and cataloging each pertinent detail until he knew the sequence of events both backwards and forwards. He had composed his report for S.H.I.E.L.D. with exacting precision in spite of the distractions of his many sexual encounters with Loki – encounters which, every time he remembered them, forced him to either jack off or suffer the consequences. Since he still had plenty of time left on medical leave, he did not often fight the urge to pleasure himself while reliving the extremely vivid memories.

However, there was one block of time that was unaccounted for: it began at the end of a rather vigorous fuck (Loki had been riding him, straddling Clint’s cock to impale himself over and over until they were both covered in sweat) and ended when Clint had started working with his hired mercenaries the next morning, fully clothed, bathed, and refreshed. There was not even a hazy hint of what had happened in the intervening hours; his memory was completely blocked, maybe erased, as though a laser had been aimed at that part of his brain to surgically remove that particular time frame.

That alone made Clint suspect Loki of hiding something from him – possibly even from the Clint who had worshiped the ground upon which Loki walked – and indicated that it would be valuable to investigate. Also, he had discovered a pattern to their fuck-fests: Loki had often plied him with questions about his fellow agents at S.H.I.E.L.D. during their post-coital pillow talk. Sated and relaxed, Clint had not held back anything (much to his shame and chagrin now), although it was doubtful he would have withheld information at any other time, either. But if the pattern held true for the missing hours of his memory, he might have divulged information then that was critical to Loki’s plans. Although Loki had since been rendered impotent, Clint felt like it was tactically necessary to learn as much as possible about their enemy. And so he had called the hypnotherapist to set up another appointment.

“How are you dealing with your recovered memories?” the man asked after Clint had settled into the comfortable reclining chair which reminded him a lot of his own.

“I’m… dealing with them,” Clint retorted, eager to get on with the task at hand.

How are you dealing with them, exactly?”

“I… I keep going over them until I know them inside and out. That way I can focus on the relevant parts.”

“How do you deal with the pain?”

“Like I do with any pain: get through it. Shit happens – that’s life; only the weak let it stop them.”

The psychiatrist observed him thoughtfully through his glasses. “What about the sexual violation you suffered? How are you dealing with that?”

“Just fine,” Clint snapped, then realized how harsh his response sounded. “I mean… it happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so there’s no point in dwelling on it. And it wasn’t like he made me fuck him at gunpoint – at the time I wanted it just as much as he did. As far as getting captured by the enemy and being forced to cooperate goes, it wasn’t that bad of a deal.”

“Do you think you might have a bit of Stockholm Syndrome?”

“No,” Clint replied, too quickly. “The guy is a certified nut job. Just because we had amazing sex doesn’t mean I would ever support his trying to take over the world.”

“Of course. And just because you felt attracted to him doesn’t mean he had a right to use your body without your permission.”

“I…” Clint faltered at the other man’s choice of words. “Uh, right. Yeah.”

“Because he did, you know,” the psychiatrist continued in a gentle but persuasive tone. “You weren’t able to make decisions like you normally would – he had forced you to obey him absolutely. So even if the sex was amazing, as you said, it was a violation of your body and will for him to take advantage of you like that.”

“Well, yeah, but… it wasn’t like, you know, I didn’t want it. Hell, if I’d met him in some bar and he was coming on to me, I would’a done him in a heartbeat.” Clint surprised himself by admitting it. “He was… well, attractive. Hot, even. So it’s not like I got such a short end of the bargain.”

The psychiatrist nodded as though he had expected Clint’s reaction. “It’s all right, Agent – I understand. You’re not defending him at all; you’re simply trying to downplay the seriousness of what was done to you. It’s a form of denial. You’re a strong man, used to being in control, so it’s hard for you to admit that you’d lost control, even in an extreme situation like this. But I need you to trust me that it will be better for your healing process in the long run if you can admit that it was a traumatic experience. In your case, your mind had consented to the sex at the time, which must make it very confusing.”

“I… I guess so,” Clint replied, although he was still unconvinced. “But then, what does it say about me that if Loki showed up here again – without attempting to achieve world domination, of course – and just wanted to have mind-blowing sex, I would probably agree to it?”

The older man considered it for a minute before answering. “I would have to say, you feel more than a passing attraction for him, and even though you don’t agree with his ideology, at some level you respect him as a human being. Of course he’s not really Human, but you must have seen something about his nature to compel you to accept him as a worthy lover. Perhaps you admire his strength? Or his determination, however misguided?”

Clint allowed himself a short laugh. “Yeah, that must be it. Because as crazy and egotistical as his plans were, he sure knew how to make things happen. He got the job done, too, and with style. He really wasn’t as strong as he let on, or we wouldn’t have been able to beat him, but he did have brass balls.”

The psychiatrist smiled. “And that is a quality you admire – something you strive for yourself.”

“Yeah. You could say that.” Clint grinned, feeling better now that some things were making more sense. “I also always strive to be thorough, Doc, so if you could put me under and get this last chunk of my memory out, I would appreciate it.”

“Of course. Let’s get started.”

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